In this article, let's examine a common relationship fault-line and source of conflicts.
It is a toxic trap called overreacting - and a breeding ground for divorce campaigns
Let's attempt to understand its dynamics and why you must avoid it.
To this end, it's obvious that a lot of people consider it a valid reaction to the following fault-lines:
- Abuse (physical, emotional, psychological)
- Infidelity
- Irreconcilable personal differences
- Communication problems
- Temporary conflicts or disagreements
Click through the sub-topics links below to tag along:
Overreacting
Coping with couples' fault-lines or weaknesses is one thing, eliminating interpersonal conflicts is another.
The former is always an ongoing process - for some a daily affair.
On the other hand, the latter is tantamount to a recurring decimal or an uphill task - easier said than done.
Just consider this dramatic illustration:
Scene One:
You mistakenly step on a guy's toe and apologizes, as you rightly should.
Notwithstanding, he flares up (ignoring your remorseful words) and starts raining invectives on you.
Narrator (as curtain falls): "What's really going on? The reaction seems to be far greater than the offence!"
What's your take on that?
If somebody you can't hit at offends you, do you lick your wound and at the earliest chance you get, spit your dragon-fire at the first unfortunate fellow to cross your path?
Is any of the situations I painted above familiar to you?
I want to believe that, to most of us, it is.
We may have witnessed replicas of such incidents, or possibly directly experienced it ourselves.
Simply put, it's called overreaction.
As we may have probably deduced from the introductory drama, it means reacting too strongly to a situation with an overdose of emotion and excessive action.
What stands out here is that there's a disproportion in the communication:
The response can conveniently be likened to using an hammer to kill an ant.
Overreacting is not only an exaggerated impulse, it is absolutely a mismatch or injustice to the actual circumstances which attracted it.
To get a clearer picture of our subject, let's consider some of its most common characteristics.
Its Characteristics
1. As we mentioned earlier, it
is a demonstration of intense emotional reaction that is neither proportionate nor equal in weight or percentage to the situation.
2. It consists largely of
response or actions flowing from impulse - without giving any thought to the consequences.
3. Overreacting people, as a
matter of observation, are known to physically show signs or symptoms of stress and anxiety.
4. It betrays an who is
overly defensive and with a dismissive attitude when confronted or challenged by a situation.
5. It portrays persons who
find it very difficult to calm down or maintain their equilibrium after being upset.
6. They usually act and later regret their actions
For example, they could send angry emails or text messages to somebody, only to subsequently wish they had not.
7. Rounding up, an overreacting person typically ruminates.
He or she indulges in repetitive and negative thinking and needlessly worries about past events and the future.
Consequently, this cycle when replayed over and over in the mind, expectedly leads to increased stress, anxiety, and depression.
The Common Threads Of Overreaction
1. When anyone is exposed to
high levels of stress, it may negatively affect their self-control or equilibrium and cause them to overreact.
2. Thinking too much or
doting on negative or traumatic past events and experiences are emotional triggers which could unleash overreactions.
3. Another factor for overreaction is insecurity.
The fear of incurring loss, rejection, or failure may cause someone to overreact.
4. Likewise, tiredness and
fatigue may plunge a person into physical and mental exhaustion.
This can adversely interfere with his or her emotions and lead to impulsive and unguarded reactions.
5. Societal expectations,
cultural norms, and pressures may also impair somebody's judgement and result to impulsive actions or decisions.
6. Moreover, having self-
control is essential and its absence can constitute a major trigger.
For example, if either partners in a relationship does not possess effective coping mechanisms, or lacks the necessary skills to manage their emotions, they may find themselves overreacting.
7. Similarly, being
unnecessarily or excessively anxious is bad for anyone.
It makes a person's emotional state to become more intense, reactive, and alert - like turning up a sound volume.
At that point, they can hardly think properly but are in the node of "fight or flee" and their reactions are usually spontaneous and unpredictable.
8. Another common reason
for over-excitement and making mountains out of molehills, is over-expectation.
When you expect too much from your partner or others by setting unrealistic expectations, what happens if they are not met?
Frustration steps in and along with it comes angry out-of-line rejoinders.
9. Going biological now,
impulsive expressions and activities may also issue from hormonal fluctuations.
For example, one may experience it when exposed to puberty, menstruation, pregnancy, or menopause, because these states usually overturn emotional balance and those affected occasionally lose self-control.
The Effects
1. Acts of overreaction
may harm or damage a relationship.
This is due to the expressions of hurtful words and unfriendly actions.
2. Overreacting may generate stress
and anxiety within couples and make it even harder for them to manage their bond.
3. Acts of Overreacting
may be compared to a hot head or short fuse, neither of which no normal relationship can cherish or thrive on.
It boasts of impulsive decisions that are most likely not well-conceived, thereby prone to errors and unplanned results.
4. As a couple, credibility is key
to establishing a successful relationship. However, regular display of overreaction may paint you as unstable, erratic, and unreliable.
As a result, it could adversely affect one's reputation.
5. In the throes or tantrums of overreaction,
it usually happens that one may inadvertently overlook crucial aspects and perspectives of an issue.
As a result, you may fail to extract proper understanding of the problem and thereby lose all opportunities to resolve it.
6. Again, it is instructive to emphasize
that "Words are like eggs: you can't stick the shells together once broken".
Likewise, once said you can't recollect or withdraw the hurtful and insensitive things you have uttered to somebody while out of control.
All it could produce thereafter are regrets and possibly remorse.
8. Without a doubt, it compounds challenges.
It not only makes it more difficult to resolve matters, it also creates greater problems and expands the areas of conflicts, particularly within couples.
9. Looking at the medical front,
it takes a toll on people too - and that's basically negative.
When you constantly overblow or exhibit signs of being worked up, the cumulative effects include anxiety, depression, and other mental health conditions.
10. In addition, if you are in the habit
of blowing your cool, you may lose out on opportunities to achieve personal growth.
Here are the reasons:
- inability to learn from your mistakes and experiences
- refusal of people to assist or guide you, for fear of your temper.
11. Similarly, it makes it very difficult
for the affected people to enjoy normal and peaceful interactions.
Consequently, as a result of disaffection and resentment bred by it, there is usually a communication breakdown and lack of rapport.
12. Within couples, sharing is a key product
for vibrancy in their association and secretiveness is anathema to it.
However, if one partner persistently shows intolerance and irascibility through uncontrollable responses, the other may become afraid to share ideas and other crucial aspects of relating.
This can lead to keeping secrets, which cannot be a good development.
13. Finally, this weakness damages trust between couples.
By extension, it may give room to divergence or, in simpler terms, drive them further apart.
The Remedies
1. Emotional shakiness
has never been an advantage in any situation, worse still in matters of interaction.
The success of every relationship is largely determined by emotional stability.
if you are fond of overreacting, then of course it's mandatory for you to work on your emotions.
More specifically, you have to be very intentional about controlling your mood swings, irritability, and temper - to mention just a few - even if this entails seeking professional help.
2. Moving on, do you overreact out of fear or nervousness?
Do you feel others are superior to you somehow?
Does that affect the way you relate with people and this drives your impulsiveness?
What exactly are you afraid of?
You have to confront your fears, find a way to trash your own demons and overcome your inferiority complex.
3. Sadness leads to low morale,
plunges you into defensive or hostile mode. Learn how to handle it. Find ways to improve your mindset. Indulge in activities which make you happy, refuse to dwell on your weaknesses and emphasize your strength.
For example,you can utilize positive entertainment channels to bring smiles to your face and break out of the gloom.
4. Remember the proverb:
"Think before you leap", which means we should endeavour to carefully consider issues before we act on them or decide.
Likewise, in order to eliminate rash and ill-advised activity on our part, we should resist taking impulsive or spontaneous decisions and actions.
Avoid making decisions or actions by impulse. Think carefully prior to acting or deciding. This will help you to resist impulsive reactions.
5. Stick to the facts of matters
and resist interpreting issues or situations in subjective and judgemental manner.
Be careful not to create mountains out of molehills.
Absolutely run shy of assumptions because they encourage exaggeration.
6. Try as much as is practicable
to steadily focus on the bigger picture on every occasion.
Resist playing to the gallery or indulging in impulsive response.
You need to have self-control to ensure that you get the right perspectives to enable you to make your moves and do things at the right time.
7. To avoid overreacting
due to sudden or unexpected disappointment, try always to set realistic expectations for others.
As it is said, "Prevention is better than cure": it is better to take proactive steps to prevent a problem from occuring rather than running from pillar to post looking for solutions after it must have happened.
In light of this wisdom, you should not entertain or fashion unreasonable and unrealistic expectations, because they are common triggers which may plunge you to implement impulsive and angry responses.
8. As usual, the solution
to most human mistakes is simply this: patience.
It is a virtue we all need to learn and imbibe.
Patience gives us self-discipline and control over our emotions.
It will enable you to exercise restraint and do things correctly at the appropriate time.
9. Also, you need to craft your way to calmness, which is an offshoot of patience.
Under normal circumstances, once you are calm you will hardly overreact.
You get there by regularly and habitually self-talking yourself to a constant state of serenity and composure.
10. To avert overreacting
because of being too tensed-up, rigid, anxious, and stressed, you need to look for regular means to relax.
Tension is never a friend to anybody, so it is essential you utilize effective relaxation techniques (like yoga, neck stretch, shoulder rolls, deep breath exercises, hand and arm tension release, etc)
11. You can also use the countdown method
to prevent premature and inappropriate responses.
This suggests that you do nothing immediately but instead, take a deep breathe and start to silently count down from 10-1 very slowly, at the expiration of which you may now respond.
This helps you to escape the rashness and negativity of impulsive actions.
12. Are you bearing grudges
in your mind - against your partner, maybe?
That's a serious hotbed for angry lash outs, provocative expressions and reflexes - in other words, overreaction.
What to do about that?
Deal with the grievances, of course.
Resolve the contending issues amicably with your partner, spouse or lover.
Once you get that out of the way, I am certain your rapport should by now be auto-reset to good health.
13. Most times too, identifying the primary triggers
of your uncontrolled responsiveness can go a long way in addressing the challenge.
I remember a personal experience I had, many years ago.
There was this guy who always rubbed me raw or got under my skin - constantly getting me angry.
Believe me, this was somebody I had to interact with on a regular basis, due to business exigencies!
How did I handle that?
Well, I told myself everytime I knew I had a meet with him:
"This guy can be annoying, so expect that and don't respond to it".
Like a mantra I sang it to myself, each time we had to meet, and you won't believe it, it worked!
The more time went the more I got used to it and at a point I even learnt to overlook his annoying mannerisms.
Likewise, you too can:
- Identify Your Triggers
- Expect The Worst From Them
- Be Determined Not To React To Their Temptations
14. Intolerant habit
is another trigger for uncoordinated expressions or exaggerated answers.
You can't stomach it, so you lash out at it - more forcefully than you ought to.
Therefore, we should all learn to be tolerant to enable us relate with ourselves properly, normally and peacefully.
When you are tolerant there should be no room for overreaction.
15. On a final note,
another state of mind I found useful in my own relationship is this this:
Expect To Be Disappointed Sometimes.
Love and trust are all well and good - acceptable and sufficient.
Most times they won't work without some tweaks, though, especially when tempers encroach.
If couples would subconsciously prepare themselves to stomach a proportionate number of disappointments, what a pleasure it becomes when success emerges instead.
And even if it's still a disappointment , we can still take it in our stride, no room or necessity for overreacting.
Or what do you say?
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