As a formidable negative personality trait and fault-line, how does anger motivate reactions such as conflicts, separation, divorce?
What is it that stimulates or creates anger?
What are its common features, and how can you dismantle it?
Let's examine this subject together, within the context of identifying and suggesting solutions which can aid couples to avoid conflicts, separation, and divorce.
Click the subtopics below as your guide:
Anger Patterns
Anger and its displays are arguably the most common forms of expressions amongst out-of-tune couples (who can't usually see eye-to-eye).
It's easily the most noticeable signs of discord between them, because while other emotions can be disguised or muted, anger cannot.
Whenever emotions deteriorate to the level of anger, it may become too tough to restrain.
The result is that it bursts out uncontrollably.
What is your own experience of anger?
Whether you are single or married, as long as you are human, you must have felt angry at some point.
You may have expressed it yourself - directly.
Or maybe you were its victim - directly or indirectly.
By the way, what exactly does anger refer to?
Simply put, it is a strong reaction to an activity or somebody when they upset or annoy you.
Sometimes it's instinctive, at other times it is deliberate.
Overall, anger is a negative attitude.
What is the root of your own anger?
Are you in a toxic marriage or relationship?
From your own experience, how do people normally show that they are angry with others?
It is deeply logical that you have to understand how somebody behaves before you can identify how to cope with their actions.
You may compare it to a display of symptoms and diseases, which tells you categorically what you are dealing with.
This knowledge helps you to know what to target in your efforts to find an antidote.
In the same manner, your ability to recognize regular patterns and features of anger in your relationship is very important.
Why You Must Study Anger Pattern
The first thing it does is to help you to identify what usually triggers anger in your partner or yourself.
As a popular proverb puts it:
"A danger foreseen is half avoided".
What it means is that as long as you are prepared to face a challenge, it will get easier to deal with it.
In our present situation, it suggests that once you can establish a pattern of occurrence, you will find it easier to identify its cause and effect.
You will then understand better how to prevent it from happening.
Secondly, if you can recognize its pattern, you will equally identify how to take proactive actions, especially through open and honest communications.
Again, recognizing anger patterns will assist you to gain mutual understanding of each other.
It empowers you to respect individual no-go-areas or privacy and maintain personal boundaries.
It promotes mutual affinity or sense of harmony between couples.
It helps you to avoid stepping on anger triggers.
Here's another benefit of mapping out anger patterns:
It will equip you with the ability to recognize early signs of danger.
This offers you opportunity to quickly intervene before it can escalate into a big challenge or crisis.
For example, you might force people to get angry by interrupting them during any of these activities:
- Listening to news
- Study or reading time
- Meditation or quiet time
- Siesta or afternoon nap
- Dedicated time for creativity such as writing, painting, designing, etc.
Coming to terms with this will motivate you to always find more conducive moments to chat with them.
There's something else you can gain by becoming familiar with the behavioural patterns of fury.
It will enhance your ability to empathize with your partner's feelings, emotions and preferences.
It will foster compassion and bonding between both of you, and give you better insight into how you can avoid anger triggers.
Flowing from all these, your understanding of the patterns will enable you to discover how to break them.
For example: let's assume you know you always react unkindly to correction when you make a mistake.
Now you can work out how to fix yourself and accept that being corrected is not a bad thing at all.
You can then enjoy less disagreements and angry moments.
More: imagine what you can achieve by successfully addressing issues raised by anger patterns.
You will always be acting from the strength given by its early warning signals.
Aside from fortifying your relationship and making it resilient, it also boosts your ability to side-step trouble spots.
Moving forward, anger pattern identification will enhance your personal growth as well.
It happens in this way:
Your understanding of the patterns may reveal that you need to work on yourself.
On the other hand, it may teach you some things about your partner and motivate you to search for better ways to interact with him or her.
Whichever way you view it, it will promote your ability to improve yourself, achieve personal growth, and self-reflecting.
Proceeding, the more familiar you are with recognizing reaction patterns, the better capable you will become in tracking and isolating their causes.
For instance, it assists you to locate and address underlying issues such as hurt, resentment, frustration, grudges, etc.
One final benefit of recognizing anger patterns.
It boosts your emotional intelligence.
I am referring to:
- how it increases your ability to relate positively with your own emotions
- how it empowers you to control your reactions
- how likewise it assists you to understand other people's emotions and enhances your capacity to handle them.
How Do Couples Express Anger?
So then, how can you recognize anger display patterns?
That's just like asking, How do annoyed people behave?
After all, the pattern can only be established from the demonstrations, not so?
Let me state categorically that I view the displays of anger as very bad and undesirable, yet the fact remains that they do happen.
What then can we regard as common features of anger?
1. To begin, even though there is more than one way to express hot temper, the most common form is verbal.
This can consist of outbursts, screams, yelling, warnings or abuse, or other varieties of verbal aggressive reactions.
2. It can show up by means of physical aggression.
This usually signifies situations whereby sentiments are plummeting to crisis levels.
Illustrations include hitting somebody, pushing, slapping, throwing objects, physical fights, etc.
3. It can also show up as passive yet accusatory behaviour.
Are you familiar with acts of sulking, giving somebody silent treatments, talking back sarcastically, etc?
Then you've seen passive aggression in action.
4. A furious person will never accept blame for anything.
Even when the fault is clearly theirs, they will most probably lash out to pin the blame on someone else.
5. Similar to my previous point, angry persons are highly critical of others.
It can even reveal itself as acts of fault-finding and physically humiliating or belittling people.
6. Has your spouse or partner ever slammed the door in your face - furiously?
7. Have you been called derogatory or abusive names?
8. Sometimes, it does show up as physical bullying tactics, gestures, and posturing.
For example, an angry fellow trying to intimidate you with his or her height will:
- stand suffocatingly too close in order to bully or intimidate you
- look down the nose at you derisively
- use other menacing or threatening postures or gestures (e.g. finger-wagging, obscene motions, etc).
9. Did you ever receive angry text messages, emails, phone calls, offensive social media posts or comments?
10. When last did you or your partner give each other the silent treatment ?
You know what I am talking about: turning the cold shoulder and refusing to exchange words.
In short, anger can also show itself through deliberately ignoring or showing indifference to others.
11. Did you ever witness a guy threatening another ?
That's anger talking.
Besides, I have seen people refusing to perform their duties, even abandoning their responsibilities out of hot temper.
12. Don't you dare laugh, but of course anger may be a malicious rolling of the eyes
and derisive display of protruding tongue by opponents, as if miming "Told You I Would Get You!"
13. Tell me if you have never found yourself tightening your jaw
or fists angrily, in tension, etc, or witnessed someone else do so!
14. Finally,
it is a common sight to hear angry people mocking, being sarcastic, and condescending to others.
What Triggers Angry Behavior
We have spoken so much about anger and how we can identify it.
Now let's examine factors which usually produce them, thereafter we can seek for the remedies.
1. One common factor I know that easily annoys people, is disrespect.
You know what they say: Respect is Reciprocal.
No matter the environment, whether it's a business partnership or marriage, everybody wants to be respected.
Nothing raises people's temper as much as when they are disrespected, mocked, or belittled .
Mutual respect is in fact a key factor to live in peace with your spouse.
2. Another factor is a result of strong feelings of disappointment.
This usually arises when somebody can't measure up to another's expectations or failed to meet their needs.
It usually leads to overreaction or misbehaviour.
3. It could as well issue from frustration,
helplessness, and hopelessness, especially when somebody feels handicapped and unable to fulfil his or her goals or desires.
4. Injustice is another reason for anger.
When people believe that they are being unfairly treated, victimized, or discriminated against, they are bound to feel annoyed.
5. Likewise, if someone is overwhelmed by much stress,
huge burdens, and unrelenting pressure, he or she may start displaying hot outbursts.
6. Besides, everybody needs their space and alone time, obviously.
Encroaching on people's privacy is usually regarded as threats to personal space and an invasion of emotional or individual boundaries.
For instance, interrupting your partner's quiet or meditation moment, or siesta, or study time - to mention just a few - can generate offensive reaction or quarrels.
7. Again, anybody can blow up if they feel threatened.
It can happen out of their instinctive response to fear, anxiety, or because they feel unsafe, insecure, and unsure of their well-being.
8. Feelings of betrayal is another factor.
We all know that relationships are built on solid trust and loyalty.
Whenever that trust is betrayed, emotions are equally disrupted and anger is a possible outlet under such circumstances.
9. Sometimes also, the reason may be due to misinformation
or misinterpretation of something somebody said or did.
If timely clarifications are not made, it may in turn create its own cycles of misunderstandings and angry exchanges.
Effects Of Anger On Relationships
As we all know, every action has its own consequences.
Let us now consider some effects that anger has on relationships.
1. Obviously, when anger flies around between couples, the first casualty is their ability to communicate cordially.
Simply put, healthy communication will totally break down and be replaced by aggressive or defensive exchanges.
That's not all.
2. It can tear people apart emotionally
and if not quickly resolved, lovers may become antagonists and all forms of intimacy would fly out of the window.
3. Similarly, if bouts of temper are not quickly resolved
or managed, it may end up escalating the crisis.
The more it persists the more difficult it becomes to find permanent solutions to the challenges.
4. Even more serious:
when anger becomes unabating and chronic, it can turn a relationship into a toxic affair.
5. In a setting like that,
everyone would feel as if they were walking on eggshells and tension and anxiety would permeate everywhere.
6. In time both couples
may suffer physical and emotional exhaustion, stress, fatigue, and burnout.
7. As a corollary, anger is not a doctor's prescription
for healthy relationships.
It is injurious to both physical and mental health.
8. It creates very negative vibes
and does not enhance intimacy,, love and affection in any way.
9. Moreover, if anger becomes incessant,
it is likely to become infectious and other family members may get militarized.
For example, your children may start thinking it's the correct way to behave and subsequently start creating a record of fighting in school.
10. Furthermore, uncontrolled anger
can lead to uncontrollable outcomes.
It can cause destructive behaviour, such as violence, infidelity, and separation or divorce.
11. Incidentally, continuous outbursts
of rage can lead to permanent bitterness and resentments.
12. Additionally
it could create feelings of despair and hopelessness in couples, and permanently damage their union.
9 Methods To Control Anger
In consideration of all our we have discussed, what then is the way forward?
How can couples live together without allowing anger to ruin what they share together?
1. As I hinted in one of my paragraphs above, learning to identify what triggers your wrath is a practical and essential step.
That will boost your ability to manage it and prevent it from escalating.
2. Open and effective communication
between couples is another pragmatic remedy.
Anger by its nature discourages healthy communication, therefore the more you can express your needs and feelings in honest interaction, the better your relationship will improve.
3. As usual, empathy is very important
in human relations - and more particularly amongst couples.
It will increase your ability to understand each other and appreciate your individual perspectives better.
4. Sometimes too, anger is used as an attempt to dodge responsibility.
To remedy this, it is advisable for couples to learn to do these:
- Take or accept responsibility for their actions
- Admit it whenever they are wrong
- Apologize when it is necessary
5. Anger is short-sighted
and most times won't allow you to see beyond your nose.
For instance, an angry guy can never see anything to appreciate.
Therefore, you should always think positively about your union and be grateful for what you have.
You will be able to resist anger tendencies when both of you appreciate yourselves.
6. About 40 years ago, I had a friend who never knew how to smile or accept jokes.
One day he collapsed and it was so scary to see it.
It turns out it was because of his unbending stiffness, rigidity, and lack of humour.
Well, 40 years later (today), that guy is one of the funniest friends I have ever had.
Relevance: Couples need humour, not anger.
They need to develop regular means to laugh and have fun, to diffuse tension and make their marriage enjoyable.
It's a good way to prevent abusive tantrums.
7. Also, you need to take regular breaks
and make sure that you enjoy adequate rest in bed.
Avoid overworking yourself.
Find means to relax yourself, through physical exercises like meditation, yoga, jogging, muscle relaxation, etc., because they remain effective means to relief stress.
It is also a confirmed fact that not having adequate sleep (at least 7 - 8 hours) can make somebody weak, grumpy, nervous, impatient, and temperamental.
So don't try to cheat nature: give your body and mind the sufficient rest it deserves daily.
8. Further, it's true that the enabling or fertile ground for anger is an unforgiving heart.
As a matter of logic, the more unforgiving you remain, the greater the burden of grudges and resentments you will be carrying around with you.
In reality this also affects your physical, emotional, and mental well-being.
So, I suggest you should develop a forgiving heart and free yourself from unhealthy angry deposits.
By so doing, your relationship may receive new breath of life and you can all enjoy positive vibes.
9. To put a cap on this subject, just as my late dad used to say to me: "You Need A Talking-To".
Yeah, at one time or another, we all do.
A Yoruba proverb, translated, says:
"When an opportunity presents itself, seize it.
When You Smell An Opportunity Nearby, Go After It.
But When All Opportunities Desert You, Think About Your Life To Reset Yourself".
So then, think about your lifestyle to reset yourself.
Resist the disruptive influence of anger in your marital life.
Look inward and talk frankly to yourself.
In short, you should employ positive self-talk and affirmations to encourage yourself.
Do everything needful to fix what needs fixing in order to preserve love and peace in your marriage.
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